PELLA BOLOGNA

I was born right here in Pella
in nineteen fifty two.
I was a little Dutch kid
and what I say is true.
My life has been a slippery slope
bad breaks I sure have caught ‘em
but as the Synod poet
I’ve clearly reached the bottom.

We moved to Arizona
when I was only eight.
Though I am a full blood Dutchman
I may be reprobate
I’ve chosen to come home again
to this place where I am known
I love the Gouda cheese here
and Pella’s fine balon! (ey)

When Wyatt Earp was just a kid
he lived right here in Pella
He’s buried on Boot Hill near Tombstone,
he was a law abiding fella
I also was a Pella boy
but wrongheaded as a mule
I tried to be a good boy
but I’ve broken every rule.

You can see by my attire
I’m from the Arizona Classis.
I live out in the wild west
bringing gospel to the masses.
I moved to Tucson years ago
when we paid our missionaries
Now they survive as our church planters,
eating cactus, roots, and berries.

Four years ago at Synod
I was asked to be a poet,
and then just four years later
there’s this problem, don’t you know it
I might have done some damage
as a Chicago resident
because as of this week
it seems the college lost its president.

Steve Timmermans is called to lead us
to do more than rearranging
instead he’s called to execute
what’s called ‘adaptive changing’
well I’d like to say good luck with that
Getting Pella here to change
and reining in that cowboy
on the Arizona range.

On Sunday when I worshiped
in the church of my baptism
I went down to the basement
and tried to foment schism.
I got some cake and coffee
I looked down at the floor
I mentioned that the tile’d been there
since 1894.

Steve, you should keep Joel Boot around
I think you’d be astute
You can blame him for the bad stuff
and then give him the boot
He’ll assist you finding closets
where Borgdorf hid the bones
and find Van Spronsen’s mother
in a basement made of stones.

Two years ago I took a trip
to bless Canada with my rhymes
and suddenly all their hockey teams
experienced trying times
Could you hockey fans enlighten me
on these elemental things
Just where in Canada might I find
the Rangers and the Kings?

When I first moved to Tucson
I was looking for some friends
I thought joining with the RCA
might pay some dividends
I met up with their missions team
But one thing I can’t shake
their grandpas wouldn’t sing the psalms
so I burned them at the stake.

RCA folks stole this college
from the Baptists long ago
If you wonder why we’re meeting here
I think that I might know
The RCA has all gone home
to live in harmony
so let’s steal this place while they are gone
and make it CRC

You might think that that’s divisive
and just a bit fragmental
But I see an opportunity
right here at good old Central
Some say that we should love these folks
and start a different tack
but I say grab the Flying Dutch
and stretch them on the rack

If the RCA would thwart our coup
becoming tough contenders
It’s good that in Sioux Center
we have the Dordt Defenders
Okay, okay, I might be wrong
forgive me, nevermind
I’m sorry that I said these things
let’s go back to being kind.

We work with Methodists and Baptists
but the ones we want to roast
are the people closest to us
who we should love the most
so let this be a lesson
to those who share my table
if we have a difference of opinion
You will be like my brother, Abel.

Scott Greenway named a new director
when we went and fraternized
with those folks down in the field house
and, boy, were we surprised!
Without a resolution
he did just as he pleased
he called us all to follow
some guy named Joel De Vries.

I got a comfy chair
that Central had to scrounge
but I hoped to be a Clerk
‘cause the officers have a lounge
I saw a big red couch in there
the perfect place for napping
when you have a queue of delegates
and all their constant yapping.

Joel failed to introduce me
or have me take a stand
so I hid my head in shame
and tried to understand
I was eligible for Second Clerk
but instead of saying Hugen
Ryan Faber called me names
and said I was a Huge’n.

The folks who work on SPACT
to stop the exodus
are kind of hard to understand
they’re acronymious.
Five Streams all flow together
into the BOT
that flow chart’s on page 380
and it’s bound to set us free.

If you’re looking for a good time
and would like to join a Bible study,
just go looking for Canadians
who are hanging with their buddies
It won’t be hard to find them
they raise glasses to the crown
You won’t have to walk too far
there’s just one bar in town.

I had lunch with two Koreans,
Chris Choe and Ronald Chu.
And Ron asked Chris, “Are you from Seoul?”
As Koreans always do.
Chris said he was an Inchon Choe.
Then asked, “Well, how ‘bout you?”
Ron said he’d moved from Puson
back in 1982

On and on they chattered
while I sat there in that section
they kept on saying names
until they finally made connection
I find it so annoying
since I hardly speak their lingo
why must they always play that game
they call Korean bingo?

My father was a Hugen
His cousin’s name was Mel
He was a wise professor
so his name should ring a bell
My mother is a Bandstra girl
Her first cousin’s name is Andy
he taught young seminarians
so that makes it pretty dandy

I should have headed off to school
and joined the seminary
I might have been a theologian
instead of big and hairy
I want to warn Doc Timmerman
about something causing tension
as a Commissioned Pastor,
please don’t think you’ll get a pension.

The first clerk broke tradition
and that still has me sulking
He knew the Sarge at Arms
should be burly, big, and hulking
Instead he picked his teacher
that tiny Dane Plug
she tried to boss us all around
I could squash her like a bug.

He knew that she was little
but thought she could be mean
he said she taught him Sunday School
when she was just thirteen
I don’t mean to disrespect her
as she carries ‘round her scoop
but here in Pella we use those
to shovel out the… snow.

Ron Nydam is retiring
I don’t know him much at all
Tom Vos said Ron’’s amazing
that he has the wherewithal
to teach his students empathy
though he had those poor folks reeling
he made them give three minute hugs
and get in touch with ‘feelings’.

I got up from my airplane seat
and much to my alarm
I ripped my jeans half off of me
when I caught them on the arm
So I ask you, Dr. Nydam
what is ‘pastoral caring’,
when you must retrieve your luggage
while at the same time ‘oversharing’?

You tell pastors when they are attacked
to not say, “See ya’ lata.”
Instead they should remember
that it’s info, it’s just data,
the attendant had some safety pins
but I’ll never be the same
before you’re off and leave the job
could you help with my shame?

When it comes to Carl Bosma
I don’t wish to be untoward
but he was each year’s recipient
of the ‘Killing Trees Award’
He says he loves Brazilians
but he destroyed their forests
by handing out more paper
then Synod’s ever put before us

So retirement looms before you
Dr. Bosma, please decide
what will you do with all your time
now that the trees have died
It’s 9:30 Sunday morning, Carl,
what are you gonna do?
when you’re not selling Logos
to Scythian, Greek, and Jew?

You’re both beloved professors
And despite my silly jests
We know our God will hold you
We long that you be blessed
Thank you for your service
You’ve run an awesome race
You’re good and faithful servants
May God pour out his grace.

It’s true I’ve not been sleeping well
on the bunk bed in the dorm
My legs are hanging off the end,
this old body won’t conform
I forgive the college for the mattress
since I’ve never been petite
but it’d sure be nice if they’d provide
a proper fitted sheet.

Central College has been gracious
it was fun that we could meet
these folks have been so helpful
their kindness can’t be beat.
I never studied Hebrew
I don’t know a lick of Greek
but I know the humble followers
of Jesus whom we seek.

It’s been good to be at Synod
to serve our mighty King
to gather altogether
to listen, pray, and sing.
It is grand to be forgiven
have Jesus bear your sin
to know the tender grace of God
that draws us home again.