My Turtle Feelings are Inconsistent

As I blog on the subject of the church’s position on sexual minorities I must confess that my feelings are inconsistent even if over the years my position on the subject hasn’t changed much. A goal of mine in this series is to try to be transparent and honest about my thoughts and my feelings. Part of what makes this difficult is the dynamics of a culture war.

In a culture war people are paying close attention to both bounded-set beliefs and center-set beliefs. Has this piece or this author violated a bounded-set traditional or affirming line? Are they moving towards embracing an “open and affirming” stance? Click “Like” on Facebook or “Share” if you like what they say. Leave a nasty comment if they are selling out your side or shelling your tribe. It all kind of sucks.

Feeling Tired of the Traditional Position

Last year the Roman Catholic Church held a Synod on the Family. Early leaked “relatios” had some words that recognized “positive elements” of families that the church considered “irregular”. Most of these types of comments didn’t make the final documents but their appearance in “midterm” documents were important. I understand why these “positive elements” of “irregular marriages” didn’t make the cut. In a fight don’t admit things that would make points for the opposition, even if they are true.

I have insider information on far more heterosexual marriages than same sex marriages but I’ve seen enough to acknowledge that from my perspective committed, monogamous same sex unions are in some cases better than alternatives some of these individuals might have lived without them. Having said this I am also aware that such judgments are very difficult. To judge between one thing that exists and an alternate hypothetical reality is mostly speculation. How am I to know?

I consider family situations where a same sex couple are raising children together and for the most part it seems in the moment from external appearences to be going well. Contemporary studies suggest that they do as well as other opposite sex couples raising non-biological children but not as well (in general again) as opposite sex couples raising their own biological children. Such findings usually make neither culture war side happy which lends to their credibility in my book.

I would feel similar about a situation in a polygamous family. Would the children be served by breaking up the family? Hard to say in general but it would be possible to say in individual cases. Reality is like that.

The Gross Unfairness of It All

There are also times when the traditional prohibition just feels unfair. It seems clear to me that for a great number of people who have feelings of same-sex attraction through no fault of their own that the blanket prohibition of the church in recognizing possible relationships on their part can feel arbitrary and cruel. I don’t think this feeling is lost on many turtles in the middle even if they don’t feel safe or courageous enough to admit it publicly.

Relationally these things get expressed in private to family and friends who will quietly or politely congratulate gay and lesbian unions. Many people will keep their private qualms or conflicted feelings to themselves simply out of respect or courtesy. Private opinions about pairings whether they be same sex or opposite sex are always complex and fraught with conflicted feelings and opinions.

There are moments when I feel my John Suk fantasy. When I just want to have a Burning Man statement of radical inclusion so that there are as few barriers as possible to people seeing Jesus and his church. This fantasy often subsides as I realize that you cannot have community without norms and even the groups that strive to be the most inclusive create their own barriers. Freedom from really isn’t as powerful as freedom to. 

Lew Smedes on the Wideness of the Sea

Lew Smedes in the 90s wrote a very important piece on same sex marriage called “Like the Wideness of the Sea“. I’ve returned to it numerous times over the years when pondering this issue.

To me the comparison between same sex unions and divorce and remarriage is devastating. It exposes a number of things about our churches that Ken Wilson picks up on too.  It’s hard to avoid the feeling that we are hypocrites on this matter yet few of us are ready to try to rally the CRC to reverse its stand on welcoming the remarried divorced. The growing issue of seniors who wish to be married in the eyes of the church for the sake of sanctioning their sexual intimacy while avoiding being married in the eyes of the government for the sake of their financial assets also strikes me potentially as self-serving hypocrisy or at least it can feel this way.

At the same time I also realize that part of the consequence of the CRC deciding to welcome second marriages that lack a “biblical” justification for divorce hasn’t always been a good thing. Has changing this norm encouraged our membership to do exactly what Jesus was arguing against which is the easy disposal of an inconvenient marriage? I know many people in second marriages for whom it is a wonderful blessing yet I face again the challenge in judging between a real situation and an imagined hypothetical. I am left conflicted having to acknowledge how little I really know and how poor a judge I am.

If all of this is true in how many ways am I not only blind to my own sin and complicit also to the stubborn sins I know I possess all too well. These things tend to drive me emotionally to the cross of Jesus and the starkness of the Reformed understanding of grace. I mentally rehearse what I call the Heidelberg three step: Misery, deliverance, gratitude.

Recognizing Change in the Public Sphere

In the last 20 years sexual minorities have come out of the closet. My impression is that this has generally been a good thing. Many sexual minorities have suffered a lot of injustice and pain that was unnecessary and cruel. I see the delineation between a church position and a government position as being valid. I wouldn’t want the state to treat adultery like the church should. I’m glad many sexual minorities have more protection under the law. I also think that same sex couples who are raising children should have similar protections and responsibilities to heterosexual couples raising children.

If a friend of mine would say to me “I can’t be a member of a CRC because of your stance on same-sex couples.” I would understand and I would probably advise them to find a denomination that is affirming. Is this a betrayal of my beliefs on the matter or is this a recognition of differences within the Christian community?

These are all matters that give me internal dissonance. These are all issues that I know people think about and work through, but again I think often among CRC pastors and leaders these are things we keep quiet about because it makes us vulnerable to criticism for failing to hold the party line.

None of this is intended to betray the belief that I also have that if one embraces the hard road, the road I think is best, that there aren’t great rewards involved. I have many smart friends who in all sincerity simply say I’m wrong and the CRC position is stupid, unjust and offensive. I owe them the respect to listen to them and carefully consider their position. Part of respect to them is to continue to keep an open mind and be open to re-evaluate my position with respect to their own.

I must also consider of friends and individuals who take the other path. I think about Merrill Nosler who was a part of a sister church here in Sacramento. I think about the compelling story of Rosaria Butterfield. There are so many stories. People are all over the map on these subjects and I do want both sides to allow individual voices to speak.

I am glad we live in a country where increasingly sexual minorities are given the space to work this issue through for themselves. I want to have a church where they are given the space to work this issue through for themselves. I believe each of us will be called to give an account for what we’ve done with the gifts and challenges we’ve faced. As a community together we shape the norms of the environment, as individuals we figure out what to do with the norms we face.

The Insufficiency of Everything Possible

I had lunch with a friend today. While I was talking to him about the things in his life I pondered this series I’ve been writing. He’s a middle aged heterosexual male who would love to be in a committed, lifelong, life-giving marriage. It will never happen. He’s had romantic and sexual relationships in the past. My guess is that he doesn’t have the internal nor external capacity to sustain such a relationship and he never will. There is no formal norm from church, culture or state blocking this path, the blockage is within. It is a blockage in his brokenness and this broken world. Most of the things in his life that cause him pain I have no solution for. I can give the solace of listening and offer the solace of prayer but not much more. This is his lot.

This is in fact the lot of almost everyone I know, whether they are in a relationship or not. Relationships seldom fully deliver on the hopes of the individuals and even when they do for a short time they will be severed by tragedy, betrayal, failure or death. This is our reality in the age of decay. We as a culture are gripped, however by the idolatry of romantic relationships and the idolatry of the family. The church, traditional or affirming, too often participates eagerly in these idolatries. The reality of idols is that they fail us even as they grip us.

I believe that there are two main avenues of response to this reality, resignation or hope. Many contemporary popular religions and ideologies offer only resignation or continual grasping to try to achieve in this age. I see them beat again and again by the age of decay.

I think Christianity offers hope. I think part of CS Lewis’ argument from desire is that these needs and desires we possess are not fully satisfied in this age and their hunger points us to another.  Christian ministry centers on this reality. The goods we partake in, even the illicit ones are rumors of the goodness of their Creator even as we corrupt and abuse them.

In a future post I want to do some thinking about what it means that the church lived quite compatibly with the institution of slavery for centuries. We do live in a church with wheat and tares. We have since the day of Pentecost and we will until the Second Coming.

In any case I think we must be honest with each other about our feelings on this subject even when our feelings contradict the norms we endorse and the positions we take. We are complicated like this, can’t we admit it?

We ought to dial back the culture war dynamics so that we can be honest with each other. We should be able to say “I’m going with this because it’s what I think right now and I lean on the church’s wisdom over the centuries and the status of my tribe even while I’ve got conflicts with it inside myself on lots of levels.” This is how I am. This is how we are as limited, rebellious, broken, sinful creatures living in the vicissitudes of cultural context and personal emotions. We live with this and like this together.

I think about the irony of McDonald’s add line “I’m loving it”. Who can really love McDonald’s food if you’ve tasted really good food? Maybe my dissatisfaction with McDonald’s food is here to draw me to a greater banquet the likes of which I am, at this time, incapable of enjoying or appreciating and sometimes even discerning. So I pray “Maranatha, set the world right!”