And writing this won’t help.
Anti-racism has become a the honeypot of self-righteousness for the left, just like defending the family has for the right, and me, being a moderate, gets to regularly indulges in both sides.
I love blogging and reading and posting and writing and liking and retweeting and sharing, especially on religious and sometimes political topics. It’s more than a glandular problem, it’s a spiritual problem.
Almost any topic that can get me excited, about racism or morality or poverty or suffering or Christianity gets my juices flowing and makes me want to write and think and talk… In the end, however, I can’t help but think this may not in fact be doing me any good by might be doing me some harm.
So much of my righteousness is in my head
I am a person that to a great degree lives in my head. My friends (the ones who know me in a less virtual way) know this about me. Probably a lot of us are who do this kind of think incessantly. We love words, ideas, positions, discussions. We thrive on this. I’m afraid a lot of my righteousness lives there too and its mostly self-righteousness.
We have so many things to take positions on and taking them, defending them, promoting them gives me (and I don’t think I’m alone) a sense of victory.
Some of us who grew up Christian like me love to say things like “well when you die God isn’t going to give you a multiple choice test in order to get into heaven…” I think deep inside me however, I do imagine that he will say “Well done good and faithful position taker!”
Don’t Let Your Left Hand Know What Your Right Hand is Doing
Why do we participate in this self-righteous posture economy? I don’t think I’m much different from the Pharisees that loved to have their displays of charity on display. I want to be seen as smart and sharp and zealous in the eyes of the group I wish to impress.
If pain shared is pain divided then self-righteousness shared is self-righteousness strengthened.
I can imagine Jesus saying “well you said all those things about racism or sexism or the war on the family or the decay of Western Civilization. You have already received your reward in your page hits, retweets and Facebook likes. Have a seat over there with the rest of the Facebook junkies lacking jewels in their crowns.”
Doing Isn’t Much Better
Of course the predictable response is “yes, less talking more doing!” but doing has the same set of problems. Many of our problems today are the last generation’s solutions.
But Please Don’t Stop
Someone might say “but I like reading what you write, it helps me” and that would be gracious. I want to say that to the people I read and follow and friend and like and retweet. Sometimes something I read encourages me, convicts me, refines me, helps me and I want to pass it along in case it helps you. The trouble really isn’t with all the words, it’s with my heart.
My heart is empty and hungry and insecure and imagines that if people find what I say helpful then I somehow am important or worthwhile or Godly or valuable. It is a symptom of my borrowed self, borrowed from the gracious cast-offs of people I care about and now through the Internet people I don’t even know.
The righteousness in my own head is there also because a lot of my sin is there too. I know how much of a bigot I am whatever my anti-racism credentials may be. I know how much of a user of people I am, no matter how many people might look at me as a kind and generous person. I know how deeply fearful and selfish I am even if I hide it well.
My Only Comfort
Those who go to my very small church know that over the last have dozen years or so I’ve learned that I need to repeat far more than is welcome. One of the things I wish to make absolutely threadbare is Misery, Deliverance, Gratitude (MDG).
MDG is helpful because it pushes me off my self-righteousness and the say that even public self-deprecation feeds it. (See how good I am writing this self-deprecation post.) I do agree with Tim Keller that self-righteousness is the most damnable thing about us. The trouble is that it is also one of the most insidious traps.
The devilish thing about self-righteousness is that trying to do better from the location of my self just simply makes it worse. It is a thing I really can’t rid myself of, by definition. It is a thing that I need God to rid me of and he usually does it in horribly costly ways. MDG gives me comfort because it speaks to my heart that Jesus’ work rescues me from even this, even as I continue to fall prey to myself. MDG invites me into rest.
Gratitude Affords Graciousness
After my MDG moment I can wander back to the Internet again and it helps me temper my judgmental self, because that self is really an expression of my self-righteous self. I get less worked up about where I rank in the community of the competitive self-righteous and more able to rest in Jesus that He is at work in this mess of a world, that his kingdom is coming and bit by bit maybe I can begin to learn what thinking and sharing and conversing is like when it’s not about me.
The Christian vision of blessedness is a strange thing. It is a place where I can be, fully be, fully act, fully love in a way I long for but can’t achieve because of that longing today. It is a place where I can rest even when the glory of God’s brilliance outshines me yet also shines through me and I’ll be good with that.
Until that day, however, you’ll just have to tolerate me as the self-righteous prick you’ve got.
